I'm now a Certified Offensive Waterblower!

Emotional penetration testing is no joke. Millions suffer each year.

I'm now a Certified Offensive Waterblower!

Waterblowing is a Cantonese slang for bullshitting or small talk. But here it mainly refers to the former.

I'm thrilled to share a major achievement in my career: I am now officially a Certified Offensive Waterblower (COW)! 🐄💧🔥

After months of rigorous training, unwavering dedication, and countless facepalms, I have successfully mastered the art of offensive waterblowing. 💪💧💨

Curious about offensive waterblowing? It's a cutting-edge technique where practitioners combine the power of blunt, no-bullshit remarks and third-degree burns to deliver roasts hot enough to cook an A5 wagyu to perfection. 🔥🥩 (Check out the official registration process!)

Here is a demonstration of practical offensive techniques out in the wild.

  • “Looks like you grew some white hair. Did you recently pick up Rust?”
  • “The S in C stands for Secure.”
  • “You don’t use SQL prepared statements? What are you? A PHP dev?” 🐬
  • “Triangles are the most versatile shape, except when they’re in the same room as a percussionist.”
  • “How do you keep a violin from being stolen? Put it in a viola case.”

With the COW certification, I’ve honed the ability to execute penetration tests against a target’s mental state and deliver unforgiving emotional damage. By testing every insult vector, we develop the target’s emotional quotient, the EQualisation of the mind.

Professional COWs are trained in practical offensive tools, such as Burping mid-conversation, SQueaLing inappropriately, and employing Common Vituperative Exclamations (CVEs).

For instance:

  • “You are old.” (CVE-1970-421337)
  • “You suck.” (CVE-1980-5432)
  • “Your country sucks.” (CVE-1984-5432)
  • “Your code sucks.” (CVE-2000-311299)
  • “You talk too much.” (CVE-2024-80420)
  • “Why are you so quiet?” (CVE-2024-80421)

In latter stages, we are trained in more advanced techniques, such as deploying botnets to take over 300 million electric toothbrushes running Java, poisoning Devin with insecure code (it’s called job security), and sidechaining modern SSH libraries (so that we can be backdoored by xz-utils).

Now, you might be wondering why I embarked on this unique certification journey in offensive waterblowing. Well, as an IT professional in a world full of superfluous certificates and endless new JS runtimes, I've made the most of my time by learning what matters most: building emotional intelligence and sipping milk tea.

With my COW certification, I aim to redefine the boundaries of professional interaction in the business world. By injecting Common Vituperative Exclamations, we can foster a more creative and resilient industry. 🔒💡

On a historic note, although this certification was originally designated for individuals of a certain gender with a certain intellectual capacity, the Association of Bombastic Certifications Inclusion and Diversity Department has opened the floor to various groups, so that everyone can now be an offensive waterblower. How nice is that! 🌐💧

Get your COW certificate today! (Click here to get it now!) Only costs $50,000 USD, your job, and a childhood. 💸🐮


Share on

Commenting has vanished into a blackhole and shall return some time in the future (or past?)! Time paradoxes not guaranteed. If you have any feedback or suggestions, please direct your subspace frequencies to the contact form. Thanks!